How to set boundaries with yourself

How to set boundaries with yourself

Most people have ways in which they want to grow and improve themselves. Maybe you want to save more money, exercise more, or spend less time scrolling your phone, but you struggle to make those changes. Many people think of extreme solutions to this problem; perhaps you try a low spend year inspired by TikToks you’ve seen, you embark on a 75 Hard challenge, or you delete all your social media apps off your phone. For some people, these extreme challenges work like a charm, breaking you out of the cycles you were stuck in. For others, however, these frameworks can feel incredibly restrictive, and they find themselves in a cycle similar to a yo-yo diet where you restrict and then binge on the behavior you’re trying to reduce. Many financial advisors recommend a flexible budget over a low-spend month or year, and most personal trainers recommend slowly adding enjoyable movement into your routine rather than suddenly trying to do two workouts a day.

So what’s the solution to changing behavior if huge, extreme lifestyle changes aren’t sustainable for most people? It’s simple, but it’s also a challenge: learning how to set boundaries with yourself.

So how exactly do you set boundaries with yourself? Let’s dive in.

What are boundaries?

Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” This can refer to a physical boundary, like a fence, a border, or a property line, but it can also refer to boundaries within relationships. There are limits to all relationships, including your relationship with yourself.

When setting boundaries in relationships, it’s important to know that boundaries control your behavior, not the other person’s. For example, an example of a boundary in a relationship is “if you put pressure on me to do [insert behavior here], I’m going to end the conversation.” Notice how this clearly describes your behavior; ending the conversation. It’s important that boundaries describe your behavior, not the other person’s, for two reasons. One is that you aren’t in control of the other person’s behavior, only your own. The second is that some people weaponize the language of boundaries to control other people in their lives; for example, if a romantic partner tells you that you aren’t allowed to go out with your friends, that is not a boundary. 

Examples of setting boundaries with yourself

When you set a boundary with yourself, similar to boundaries in other relationships, you are establishing cause and effect. The most effective boundaries are highly specific. For example, saying “I am going to spend less time on my phone” is not an effective boundary. However, saying “after I scroll on my phone for 20 minutes I’m going to go put it in the other room and read my book” or “I will not check my Instagram until after I have already completed [x] task” are both effective boundaries. There is a cause and effect relationship between behaviors.

Another example I gave earlier is trying to curb spending. Instead of saying “I am going to spend less money this month,” you could say “I am not going to buy clothing online this month” or “I am only going to spend $15 a week on coffee.” A budget is essentially a boundary; it tells you that if you spend money on sushi tonight you’re not going to be able to get pizza this weekend. When I first started budgeting, I often lived normally the first few weeks of the month and was extremely frugal the last few. Now that I’m better at it, I’m more able to adjust my behavior so that I can live my desired lifestyle the entire month (with some compromises and hard decisions, of course.) 

One good tip for setting boundaries with yourself is, like with other people, to focus on your behavior, not the outcome. Instead of saying “I’m going to write 1000 words in my script every day,” you could say “I’m going to spend one hour writing every day.” That way, if you get stuck and struggle to get words on the page one day, you’ve still honored your promise to yourself, and if you have a super productive day and are able to write multiple scenes in your allotted hour the next, you’ve exceeded your initial 1000 word goal.

How do you enforce the boundaries you set with yourself?

It can be tricky to enforce your own boundaries. So many people struggle with this, and accidentally betray themselves again and again by not following through on the boundaries they set. When that comes to other people, it can mean putting up behavior that’s harmful or difficult to tolerate. When it comes to yourself, it can mean letting yourself down by not doing the things you promised yourself you’d do.

Unfortunately, no one is going to make you enforce your own boundaries. It can take a lot of deep inner work to get to a place where you are consistently honoring your own boundaries. For some people, that means practice. For others, that means working with a licensed therapist. Only you can know what’s right for you, and you should think about what you will find motivating and encouraging.

One easy trick is to build in little rewards for honoring your own boundaries. While you’re getting started you may find this effective. Something as small as buying yourself a coffee or promising yourself a movie night after a week of hard work might do the trick. If not, take some time to make a list of how you feel when you honor your commitments to yourself and how you feel when you don’t. This might get you started figuring out the techniques you need to make it happen. Unfortunately, this is a highly personal process, and what works for one person may not work for others.