How to set boundaries with yourself
Most people have ways in which they want to grow and improve themselves. Maybe you want to save more money, exercise more, or spend less time scrolling your phone, but you struggle to make those changes. Many people think of extreme solutions to this problem; perhaps you try a low spend year inspired by TikToks youāve seen, you embark on a 75 Hard challenge, or you delete all your social media apps off your phone. For some people, these extreme challenges work like a charm, breaking you out of the cycles you were stuck in. For others, however, these frameworks can feel incredibly restrictive, and they find themselves in a cycle similar to a yo-yo diet where you restrict and then binge on the behavior youāre trying to reduce. Many financial advisors recommend a flexible budget over a low-spend month or year, and most personal trainers recommend slowly adding enjoyable movement into your routine rather than suddenly trying to do two workouts a day.
So whatās the solution to changing behavior if huge, extreme lifestyle changes arenāt sustainable for most people? Itās simple, but itās also a challenge: learning how to set boundaries with yourself.
So how exactly do you set boundaries with yourself? Letās dive in.
What are boundaries?
Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as āsomething that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.ā This can refer to a physical boundary, like a fence, a border, or a property line, but it can also refer to boundaries within relationships. There are limits to all relationships, including your relationship with yourself.
When setting boundaries in relationships, itās important to know that boundaries control your behavior, not the other personās. For example, an example of a boundary in a relationship is āif you put pressure on me to do [insert behavior here], Iām going to end the conversation.ā Notice how this clearly describes your behavior; ending the conversation. Itās important that boundaries describe your behavior, not the other personās, for two reasons. One is that you arenāt in control of the other personās behavior, only your own. The second is that some people weaponize the language of boundaries to control other people in their lives; for example, if a romantic partner tells you that you arenāt allowed to go out with your friends, that is not a boundary.
Examples of setting boundaries with yourself
When you set a boundary with yourself, similar to boundaries in other relationships, you are establishing cause and effect. The most effective boundaries are highly specific. For example, saying āI am going to spend less time on my phoneā is not an effective boundary. However, saying āafter I scroll on my phone for 20 minutes Iām going to go put it in the other room and read my bookā or āI will not check my Instagram until after I have already completed [x] taskā are both effective boundaries. There is a cause and effect relationship between behaviors.
Another example I gave earlier is trying to curb spending. Instead of saying āI am going to spend less money this month,ā you could say āI am not going to buy clothing online this monthā or āI am only going to spend $15 a week on coffee.ā A budget is essentially a boundary; it tells you that if you spend money on sushi tonight youāre not going to be able to get pizza this weekend. When I first started budgeting, I often lived normally the first few weeks of the month and was extremely frugal the last few. Now that Iām better at it, Iām more able to adjust my behavior so that I can live my desired lifestyle the entire month (with some compromises and hard decisions, of course.)
One good tip for setting boundaries with yourself is, like with other people, to focus on your behavior, not the outcome. Instead of saying āIām going to write 1000 words in my script every day,ā you could say āIām going to spend one hour writing every day.ā That way, if you get stuck and struggle to get words on the page one day, youāve still honored your promise to yourself, and if you have a super productive day and are able to write multiple scenes in your allotted hour the next, youāve exceeded your initial 1000 word goal.
How do you enforce the boundaries you set with yourself?
It can be tricky to enforce your own boundaries. So many people struggle with this, and accidentally betray themselves again and again by not following through on the boundaries they set. When that comes to other people, it can mean putting up behavior thatās harmful or difficult to tolerate. When it comes to yourself, it can mean letting yourself down by not doing the things you promised yourself youād do.
Unfortunately, no one is going to make you enforce your own boundaries. It can take a lot of deep inner work to get to a place where you are consistently honoring your own boundaries. For some people, that means practice. For others, that means working with a licensed therapist. Only you can know whatās right for you, and you should think about what you will find motivating and encouraging.
One easy trick is to build in little rewards for honoring your own boundaries. While youāre getting started you may find this effective. Something as small as buying yourself a coffee or promising yourself a movie night after a week of hard work might do the trick. If not, take some time to make a list of how you feel when you honor your commitments to yourself and how you feel when you donāt. This might get you started figuring out the techniques you need to make it happen. Unfortunately, this is a highly personal process, and what works for one person may not work for others.
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